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January 5th, 2008

10:52 pm - yes, i am retarded Caitlin needs to manage anger when Caitlin wants to cry. Caitlin needs to be alive and Caitlin wants to die. Caitlin's life is caving in and falling from the sky. Caitlin repeats Caitlin because Caitlin's fucking high. Current Mood: high

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January 4th, 2008

06:09 pm - i will fucking kill some people so this is how my day went. 10:30 - appointment with psychiatrist. on the way there my mom tries to convince me to tell her all my appointment times so she can help me get there on time. when we get there we find out the appointment was ACTUALLY at 10:00 but my mom wrote down the wrong time. rescheduled for a couple weeks in the future. went to big apple bagel with ma for a boston creme muffin and a latte. 12:00 - picked up paycheck at great wolf lodge. did NOT get the pay raise i was told to expect. 1:30 - first session of family therapy with ma and benji. at catholic human services. upon return to the homestead, found my wallet and got a ride to meijer to cash my paycheck. went back home, explained family therapy session to louis who got to be at work when it happened. louis was rude. i cried a lot, cut myself, smoked a cigar and listened to louis bitch a whole lot about how i stress out too much about stupid shit and it's fucking up his life. got on the internet to bitch it all out. at 8:30 i have to find my way to the sleeping tiger kiosk so i can learn how to close again. marty will probably then take me to kabe and gala's. i just can't find the words to describe how i'm feeling right now, so hopefully a little explanation of events will be enough to give you a little hint. Current Mood: enraged Current Music: DETHKLOK

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December 28th, 2007

04:09 pm - dog inside my body SO MOTHERFUCKING FRUSTRATED WITH LIFE RIGHT NOW. need another cookie. basically it's like GOD DAMN YOU LIFE GOD DAMN YOU I HATE YOU LIFE I HATE YOU WHY DON'T YOU GO SUCK A COCK but somehow i managed to get through work today. trying not to focus on all the extremely fucking negative things i seem to be constantly focusing on. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: butthole surfers

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September 4th, 2007

09:28 am - a second job so i work nights now at Sleeping Tiger Imports in the mall. hmm. the first night on my own in the store i sold our most expensive sword ($500) like two minutes after marty left the store and i had to call him back to see for himself. my second night on my own is tonight. i'm still nervous but i'm doing pretty good. Current Mood: determined Current Music: jack off jill

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July 16th, 2007

11:53 am - i've got something to put in you fuck everyone and everything. that's my general opinion. i want to be positive and like myself, but fuck. butt fuck. i just can't help but hate the hell out of existence. any attempt to begin to think about trying to improve my future inevitably sends me to a pit of hate for myself and my parents for creating me. i really wish i could appreciate my existence as much as i would have to in order to be happy about being alive. just...fuck. Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: peaches

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June 18th, 2007

12:36 pm - nowhere is safe everywhere is a place that holds potential for setting off a very painful and dangerous mood swing. mostly just painful, for me. i guess that means it doesn't matter to anyone else. so i think maybe the only way to get away from everything is to go to sleep. last night i had a dream about being extensively harassed by cops that used to be my friends. eventually they turned into a group of lesbians smoking large amounts of chronic, playing basketball on the beach and teasing me. when i wake up i find that porn only makes me depressed and a perfectly good vibrator has become useless to me. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: all music

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June 4th, 2007

09:56 am - still alive, still far from complete i haven't really been doing anything, but well, that's not true. the truth is i haven't really be getting anything done. what i DO is fuck around and smoke too much, melt crayons and wander around the city and/or the forest and contemplate life because it is not easily understood. i've been working two days a week, so i'm too broke to pay off my psychiatrist bill right now, but that doesn't stop me from calling to make an appointment. THERE ARE NO GOOD EXCUSES. remember that. anyway. i'm hungry. and i think i have to pee. and i'm yawning like i'm going to fall asleep. i don't want to do that because i am in the library. somewhere along the line in my own self-obsessed hatred of myself and everything that i think and say, i have lost my grasp on any journal i've been trying to keep. i have stifled myself stupid. could somebody please try to wake me up and help me to function? Current Mood: tired Current Music: clickety clackity

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May 23rd, 2007

01:16 am - nani mo so. i don't do much. i got drunk today, a couple times. i smoked a bit and cleaned a bit and sewed some stuff. i ate fettucine alfredo with broccoli and shrimp at fazoli's with me mum and she bought me some growable fruits and vegetables at home depot. tomorrow i will plant them. benji made some good stir fry and told me again about how long ago when arthropods and humans were the same size there was a great war that lasted hundreds of years, and finally when the humans won the arthropods were shrunk tiny as punishment and now humans can kill arthropods whenever they want because they have that right. i can't believe i just explained all that. Current Mood: tired Current Music: front line assembly

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May 3rd, 2007

09:45 am - this is how much control i have over everything i had a brief period of lucidity in the dream i just woke up from. i was being chased by something, i can't remember what now...i think someone had somehow aquired evil supernatural powers and was raising oil out of the ground in order to set everyone on fire. after running away for a bit i took off flying, directly up into the sky, wondering what i would do when i reached air too thin the breathe in. then it sort of sunk in. flying = dreaming. i then completely lost control and ran into some power lines. end of dream. Current Mood: hungry Current Music: all i can do, driving me through, into you

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May 1st, 2007

10:33 am - the great wolf lodge needs to stop invading my dreams in this one louis and i got a room on the top floor and the door kept falling down. i was in a bikini for most of the dream from swimming in the water park which is different in my dreams than it is in real life; the pool is bigger and better and there is a big spinny thing in the center where the water fort should be, it defies gravity and every once in a while sucks everyone up into the spinny thing, spins them around and then throws them down the water slides. for some reason it didn't work for me and i was dropped into the pool. in the dream world the banquet kitchen has its own dish machine, the stair wells lead to some strange places, and there's some kind of torture sauna in the basement. beside the lodge is a pond surrounded by trees, i've been there in previous dreams. Current Mood: awake Current Music: all music

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April 26th, 2007

11:16 pm - i'm afraid of crayons meh-elting. i'm afraid of your mom. today started out fairly bleak and got worse and worse until i was a crying puddle of sadness on my bed. i cried on louis for a while and eventually calmed down. a bit of resin picked me up, and some coffee, and marty and some coffee and crayons melting. we watched the cute kitten video and some other electronic wierdness and then my mom came home and yelled at us all for being immature. we ran away to the door and giggled and made up different words to "i'm afraid of americans" and giggled some more, then we came back and louis and marty played need for speed and i sewed a bit. now i must SHOWER and GO to BED. good NIGHT. Current Mood: tired Current Music: i'm afraid of trent rez-a-nor. i'm afraid of his band.

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March 30th, 2007

11:18 pm - taste the rainbow in my pants i'm asking you please no, it isn't right it isn't fair, there was no parking anywhere, i think that hydrant wasn't there, why can't you let it go? no but really, we got wood. up in here. shit. so, the other day these workmen guys came over and ripped the carpet out of the living room and put a wood floor in that continues through the kitchen and dining area. it's awesome. every time i type something i just read it again and think it's stupid and delete it. so i don't know. Current Mood: weird Current Music: random

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March 24th, 2007

11:10 pm - today i dug an extra river spring equinox=awesome. wednesday i saw kittie in concert (and briefly naykid lettuce) and then drunkly walked home with my hunny in the rain. upon coming home, lots of smoking with marty, louis and benji went to sleep and around four in the morning marty and i went driving around and ended up wandering off to the end of the peninsula for around twelve hours. we played on the slippery ice platforms on the water's edge as if we were in a video game, and we found a weird metal box in the fun random zen garden. on the way back i stupidly wandered onto thin ice and fell through, cold water in the boot. but that didn't keep me from hanging out in the jungle green forest and staring into the wasteland for about another hour and a half. finally we roamed our asses back home to find louis holly and joe in the driveway. we went to the mall, got some food, said bye to marty, went to toys r us, petsmart, borders, walmart, holiday, and back to the end of the peninsula to see the sun set. holly fell through the ice with both feet, ha ha. as night fell i led us back to the road to the car, la la la we drove back home. said goodbye, went to sleep. today and yesterday louis and i went to work, then when we got out we went to the magical forest down the hill and played like children. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: tool and tori

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March 15th, 2007

10:45 am traci did a tarot reading for me the other day for the coming year, i got mostly wands and major arcana, it looks like a pretty good year for me, except for that three of swords right at the end. ah, fuck. well. what can you do. i've been out in the garage melting crayons for like a week, when i'm not at work washing dishes. it's pretty awesome. you'd have to see it. i'll try to get some pictures up soon, if i can. been out of meds for about five days now, should call my psych. god, i hate making phone calls, especially about missed appointments. and the longer i wait, the worse it gets. and as i start noticing that familiar feeling creepy crawling round in my head, the way it feels when i'm out of meds, i don't even want to get out of bed on my days off cuz i think i'd be better off dead. in my daily life i lack intelligent conversation. i feel stuck in every aspect of life. is it my fault? what can i do? i can't get my life in order because i hate myself. it frequently astounds me how much i hate myself. ouch, eyes, crying. i think i'll go smoke some more. talking about it just makes me think about it. oh, i just remembered the other day i decided i have to be a tree farmer. yeah. Current Mood: high Current Music: tori

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February 20th, 2007

03:27 pm - branjelina zombies! yesterday i worked from 8-3:45, went home and got really really high, then i was called back in because juan called in and i worked from 10-12:30. then i went home and got really really high. the belle of new orleans tried to show me once how to tango. wrapped around her feet. wrapped around like good little roses. i watched waking life the other night and it made me think a lot and freak out a bit. oh, which reminds me. today when i was asleep i dreamt that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt died together and i was in the cemetary standing over their graves and i kept seeing weird structures build out of headstones and things because there was an old crazy homeless guy that lived there and moved the bodies around into weird patterns and did some weird rituals or something and somehow Brad and Angelina rose from the dead and they were creepy and we ran away and they came after us for our living bodies. i've had several dreams about the same cemetary, sort of a combination of cemetaries i've seen in real life and some egyptian tomb structures. there's a swamp behind it and a couple of haunted houses in the woods to the left and a steep hill. i have a lot of dream about running from things there. Current Mood: lazy Current Music: Tori Amos

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February 14th, 2007

09:22 pm - covered in rainbows today i got a driver's permit just so i could drive my mom home from the doctor. i also went all round town with me mum buying things and drinking coffee and driving her car. she got me charms to hang from my earrings (one rainbow and one monkey) and she bought me coffee and a muffin and eventually we went to the mall because marty decided i had to have a rainbow shirt from sleeping tiger where he works now, from there we also go a rainbow necklace, a meditation candle and a cat o nine tails. my main goal for the day was supposed to be cleaning my room but i haven't even begun to try to do so. maybe tomorrow. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: TOOL

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February 13th, 2007

12:30 pm - cock puke after smoking assloads of chronic i'm feeling not so angry anymore. but now that i'm all out, i think i'm going to have to give myself a stern talking to. and maybe a spanking. i think i have to see my psychiatrist in a couple days, we'll see how that goes. i finally got guitar hero. i'm constantly reminding myself what an incredible geek i am. o well. sometimes you just have to accept it. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: windows media player

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January 27th, 2007

02:20 pm - fuck all you bitches that were giving me shit. so, i finally came to the conclusion that i need to call my psychiatrist and see if it's possible that strattera could be giving me anger issues. i left work several hours early because i could tell i wasn't going to last the rest of the day. being so angry is certainly unnatural. so fuck. i think i'll take a nap. Current Mood: unstable Current Music: deftones

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January 25th, 2007

11:53 am - you cannot sedate all that i create yesterday was my first attempt at making little meringue cookie thingies. they didn't turn out as puffy as they should've been, but they taste really good. so today, in the near future, i'm going to try it again. little coffee flavored meringue mushrooms. they're going to be so cute! hooray. Current Mood: high Current Music: ...stop the boat.

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